My first experience with “dad jokes” actually came from my mom. No one has a better sense of humor for groan-worthy jokes than the first lady in my life. But my mom’s knack for getting a room to simultaneously roll their eyes got me wondering if other moms were the same way with mom jokes.
In my experience, most are not. But that just means I had to search a little harder for the countless clever moms out there. Here are some of the best mom jokes I came across in my research you can use to make your family laugh, groan, and be slightly embarrassed all at the same time.
Best Mom Jokes
Mom Jokes for Moms with Babies
1. Ever heard of a job that requires no experience, gives no training, pays nothing, and you can’t quit? That’s motherhood. Oh, and people’s lives are on the line.
2. Motherhood taught me just how far I can let myself go and still be okay with it.
3. I don’t want to sleep like a baby. I want to sleep like my husband.
4. Mom’s recipe for iced coffee: Have kids. Make coffee. Forget you made coffee. Put it in the microwave. Forget you put it in the microwave. Drink it cold.
5. Important truth no one wants to tell you: Both of you come home from the hospital in diapers.
6. You know it’s time to clean out the diaper bag when you put it on the front seat, and your car assumes it’s a person not wearing a seat belt.
7. First baby: You wear your regular clothes for as long as possible. Second baby: You start wearing maternity clothes as soon as the pregnancy test is positive. Third baby: Your maternity clothes are your regular clothes.
8. A friend asked me if she should have a baby after 40. I said no, 40 babies are enough.
9. New mom math: Being able to instantly calculate age by months, even after the first year.
10. Shower paranoia: The constant feeling that a child is crying every time you step in.
11. Only a mother has the amazing ability to hear a sneeze through closed doors, in the middle of the night, three bedrooms away, while dad snores inches away.
12. You know you’re a mom when picking up another human to smell their butt isn’t only normal but necessary.
13. Spit-up is my new favorite accessory. No outfit is complete without it.
14. Becoming a mom means your baby is the one who’s up drinking all night. But you’re the one with the hangover.
15. How many bottles should you have when you’ve got a baby? Two. One for baby and one for mom.
16. Motherhood: the love is boundless, but the hours are terrible.
17. Mom sleep: It’s like regular sleep but without the sleep.
Mom Jokes for Moms with Toddlers and Older
18. As a mom, I’m no longer a snack. I’m a Happy Meal. I come with toys and kids.
19. “It’s spicy” is the universal mom code word for “I don’t want to share.”
20. Don’t wake up mom! There are at least seven species that eat their young. Your mom may be one of them.
21. Some days, you question your parenting. Other days, you have to question your child’s childing.
22. My kids can never make fun of me for teaching me how to use my phone. I taught them how to use a spoon.
23. How kids say goodnight: “I fed the dog, and now he’s making a funny noise.”
24. Being a mother of a teenager is finally understanding why some animals eat their young.
25. Nothing is truly lost until Mom can’t find it.
26. Motherhood means that half the time, I feel like I’m running an asylum, and the other half, I feel like I belong in one.
27. Mommy doesn’t have a favorite child—you all annoy me equally.
28. Showering as a mom should be an Olympic sport: Everyone’s yelling your name, you have to beat the clock, and you rarely win a medal.
29. I would like to officially apologize to my toddler for opening her granola bar from the top instead of the bottom. I don’t know what I was thinking.
30. I love all my children equally. Except for the one who sleeps. I love that one more.
31. I love my kids. Not enough to flip the chicken nuggets halfway through cooking, but I love them.
32. Mom sleep: the state of rest where your eyes are closed, but you can still hear everything your kids are doing.
33. “Look at me, mommy!” is the toddler equivalent to “hold my beer.”
34. Kids sure do make a lot of plans for people who can’t drive themselves anywhere.
35. May your coffee be stronger than your toddler.
36. Ironically, we celebrate the kid on the anniversary of the day the mom did all the work.
37. A toddler can do more in one unsupervised minute than most people do in a day.
38. I’m going to donate these bags of outgrown baby clothes to Goodwill. But first, I’m going to drive around with them in my trunk for two months.
39. Why do my kids never appreciate that I stayed up all night overthinking for them?
40. I expected to have to spend more time on things after having kids, but no one warned me about how many years of my life I’d lose waiting for them to get in and out of the car.
41. I love when the kids tell me they’re bored. As if the lady standing in front of a sink full of dirty dishes is where you go to get ideas about how to have a good time.
42. My mom superpower is being the only person in the house who can see an empty toilet paper roll.
43. She believed she could, and she almost did…but then a tiny person asked her repeatedly for a snack until she forgot what she was doing, so she didn’t.
44. Silence is golden. Unless you have kids, then silence is suspicious.
45. Please excuse the mess. My kids are making memories…of me yelling at them to clean up the mess.
46. When your mom’s voice is so loud, even your neighbors brush their teeth and get dressed.
47. Yes, please get a new cup every time you need water — said no mom ever.
48. You know you’re a mom when you understand why Mama Bear’s porridge was too cold.
49. They say women speak 20,000 words per day. I have a daughter who gets that done by breakfast.
50. Mother to son: “I’m warning you. If you fall out of that tree and break both legs, don’t come running to me!”
51. Before having kids, every mom thinks she’ll be a super-chill mom. That’s because, at that point, we had no idea they’d break all our stuff, make ridiculous demands, and take roughly ten years to get out of the car.
52. My kids asked me what it was like to be a mom. So, I woke them up at 3 a.m. demanding to know where my lucky sock was.
53. What’s the fastest land mammal? A toddler who’s been asked what’s in their mouth.
54. You spend the first two years teaching your children to walk and talk. You spend the next 16 years telling them to sit down and shut up.
55. When did you know you were a mother? When I realized 90 percent of my day was locating someone else’s lost crap.
56. Mom at Night: Tomorrow, I’m going to get up early before all the kids, pack their lunches, go for a run, cook a healthy breakfast, and enjoy 20 minutes of me-time. Mom in the Morning: Hahahaha, nice try.
57. I feel personally victimized by my daughter. I just want her to stop throwing crackers at me.
58. What makes more noise than a child jumping on mom’s bed? Two children jumping on mom’s bed.
59. Daughter: “Mom, I really need some personal space!” Mom: “You came out of my personal space.”
60. Son: “Mom, can I get $20?” Mom: “Does it look like I’m made of money?” Son: “Isn’t that what M.O.M. stands for?”
61. Science teacher: “When is the boiling point reached?” Student: “When my mom sees my report card.”
62. Daughter: “Mom, what’s it like to have the greatest daughter in the world?” Mom: “I don’t know. Ask your grandmother.”
63. Son: “Mom, I’m hungry.” Mom: “Have some fruit.” Son: “I don’t want fruit.” Mom: “Then you’re not hungry.”
64. Daughter: “Mom, can you put on my shoes?” Mom: “I don’t think they’ll fit me.”
65. If a child refuses to nap, are they guilty of resisting a rest?
66. My husband and I have decided not to have kids. The kids are taking it pretty badly.
67. Last week, I washed the car with my son. He asked why I couldn’t just use a sponge.
68. My son ran up to me to tell me he has a painful papercut. I said, “Cool. You were 10 pounds at birth.”
69. I tried to explain to my 4-year-old daughter that it’s perfectly normal to accidentally poop your pants. But she’s still making fun of me.
70. Motherhood is a constant battle between going to bed to catch up on sleep or staying awake to finally get some alone time.
71. Why did the boy put the Mother’s Day cupcakes in the freezer? His sister told them to ice them.
72. Sunday School Teacher: “Tell me, do you say prayers before eating?” Student: “No, ma’am, I don’t have to. My mom’s a good cook.”
73. Being a mother has taught me bedtime is the leading cause of dehydration in small children.
74. Being a mother is like constantly having to clean up after a party you didn’t attend.
75. Son: “Stop making jokes, mom. You’re not funny.” Mom: “Well, I made you.”
76. Guide for baking with your children. Step one: Don’t.
77. I child-proofed my house, but my kids keep getting in.
78. I Googled all my symptoms. It turns out I have kids.
79. I must admit that I’ve never done CrossFit, but I have buckled a screaming child into a car seat at the speed of light.
80. I really want my children to be head-strong and strong-willed individuals. Just not while I’m raising them.
81. I used to watch scary movies for entertainment. Now, I just watch my kids bake in my kitchen.
82. I usually only let crazy mom out a few times a month. Just enough so the kids are always aware she exists.
83. Getting lucky used to mean something else. Now it means both kids are asleep at the same time.
84. Putting a toddler to bed is like putting your drunk friend to bed. They’re singing to themselves. Requesting water. Mumbling. Incoherent bladder. Crying. Some weird yoga poses. Hiccups. And then they pass out.
85. When I get a headache, I take two aspirin and keep away from children just like it says on the bottle.
86. Toddler son: “Mommy, what’s a weekend?” Mom: “I don’t know, sweetheart. I haven’t had one since you were born.”
Great Overall Mom Jokes for All
87. Don’t be so hard on yourself; the mom in E.T. had an alien living in her house for weeks and didn’t notice.
88. Motherhood has shown me that you don’t need fun to have alcohol.
89. Motherhood is like a fairy tale but in reverse. You start in a beautiful ball gown and end up in stained rags cleaning up after little people.
90. Why is a computer so smart? Because it listens to its motherboard.
91. Why did they have to rush the mommy rattlesnake to the doctor? She bit her tongue!
92. Why did the mommy cat want to go bowling? She was an alley cat.
93. Why did the cookie cry? Because his mother was a wafer so long!
94. Why was it so hard for the pirate to call his mom? Because she left the phone off the hook.
95. Good moms let their kids lick the beaters. Great moms turn them off first.
96. Having a weird mom builds character.
97. The fastest way to spread news isn’t on the internet. It’s by telling your mom.
98. I hate when I’m waiting for Mom to cook dinner—and then I remember I am Mom.
99. I live in constant fear of having to share a “fun fact” about myself.
100. Mom’s casseroles come in two sizes: not enough and enough to feed an army with leftovers.
101. Have you heard the urban legend about what happens when you scream “Mom” three times in the shower? A nice lady appears with the towel you forgot.
102. I asked a police recruit during an exam, “What would you do if you had to arrest your own mother?” He said, “Call for backup.”
103. I bought my mom a mug that says, “Happy Mother’s Day from the World’s Worst Son.” I forgot to mail it, but I think she knows.
104. What did the lazy boy say to his mom on Mother’s Day when she was about to do the dishes? “Relax, mom, you can just do them in the morning.”
105. What sweets do astronaut moms like? Mars bars.
106. “Mom, I love you loads. Like, loads of laundry. Speaking of…”
107. Your nickname is mom. But your real name is moooooooom!
108. Is it yelling or just enthusiastic motivational speaking?
109. Why did the baby strawberry cry? Because his mom was in a jam!
110. What did the mommy spider say to the baby spider? You spend too much time on the web.
111. Whoever wrote the song “Easy Like Sunday Morning” clearly didn’t have kids.
112. Motherhood is fun and all, but have you ever had an empty house on a Saturday?
113. My housekeeping style as a mom can best be described as “there appears to have been a struggle.”
114. Why was the house so neat on Mother’s Day? Because Mom spent all day Saturday cleaning it.
115. What kind of boat is barely staying afloat yet somehow manages to function? The mothership.
116. Kid: “What’s a man?” Dad: “A man is someone responsible and cares for his family.” Kid: “One day, I want to be a man just like mom!”
117. Motherhood: When changing from pajamas to yoga pants qualifies as getting dressed.
118. Why don’t they have Mother’s Day sales? Because mothers are priceless.
119. Parenting is buying a swing set so you can sit on the patio and drink wine in peace.
120. What three words solve every dad’s problems? Ask your mother.
121. What did the mama rope say to her child? Don’t be knotty.
122. Why did the mom cross the road? To get some peace and quiet.
123. Roses are red. Violets are blue. My mom’s jokes are funnier than you!
124. How do you get the kids to be quiet? Just say, “mum’s the word.”
125. What warm drink helps mom relax? Calm-omile tea.
126. What are the three quickest ways to spread a rumor? Phone, Internet, telling your mother.
127. “I’ve got a bill here for a broken chair from a Bear family. Do you know anything about this, Goldie?” – Goldilocks’ mother
128. What do you call a mother who isn’t around much and can’t seem to get their underwear into the hamper? Dad.
129. What do you call it when a snowman throws a tantrum? A meltdown.
130. I’m on a seafood diet. I see food, and I eat it.
131. What’s a mama astronaut’s favorite part of the computer? The space bar.
132. I hate it when people say, “age is only a number.” Age is clearly a word.
133. Why didn’t the vampire attack Taylor Swift? She had bad blood.
134. Behind the scenes of every picture taken at home is a mom shoving crap out of the frame so the house looks clean.
135. What kind of candy do moms love for Mother’s Day? Her-she’s kisses.
136. Not to be cheesy, but you’re a grate mom.
137. What kind of coffee was the alien mommy drinking on Mother’s Day? Starbucks.
138. What kind of flowers do yellow jacket mothers like for Mother’s Day? Bee-gonias.
139. Why do mother kangaroos hate rainy days? Their kids have to play inside.
140. To the woman who rosé me right.
141. I opened the first little door on my Moms Advent Calendar. A pile of laundry fell out.
142. I was asked to write parenting advice in a guestbook for a baby shower. So, I just left them my favorite daiquiri recipe.
143. Motherhood is an extreme sport. That’s why we have to wear workout clothes every day.
Dad jokes get all the attention, but I think mom jokes are just as funny, if not funnier! Which of these mom jokes are your favorite? Do you have any mom jokes you’d add to the list?